Dear Tennessee Grace

October 10th… We are eight days away from your two-month birthday! The last time I wrote I was so excited that you had reached 4lbs. Today you weight 5.4lbs! You have more than doubled in size since birth. Alot has happened since I last wrote. Your nurses continue to be a god send which is a complete blessing because starting next week, mommy has to return to work part time. 😦 Each day that approaches Sunday, my nervousness grows. I’m sure every new mom experiences this but NICU mamas that have to leave their babies seems so unfair. Each day is a rollercoaster. Some days you are doing amazing and other days I arrive at your bedside to see a new IV line or different tube. I often leave in the evenings- praying for you and all the babies who have become part of my daily routine… and arrive the next day to either another good day full of milestones or another obstacle or set back on our road to getting you home.

After five long weeks of withholding milk, we were able to introduce milk again on October 1st. Mommy and daddy were ecstatic to be able to offer you a bottle, seems simple, but to us- being able to give you a bottle was something we prayed for, for over a month. Things that most parents take for granted, we find ourselves praying day in and day out for. Introducing you to the bottle was a feat in itself. I am naive, I just assumed once we put the bottle to your lips, you would automatically know what to do. Silly mommy! I had to be reminded you are only 37 weeks and this takes time and skill and stamina! We were warned that accepting the bottle could take days or weeks, so we took things slow. However, by day 3 you were suckling like a pro and finishing your tiny bottles- if you didn’t fall asleep halfway through that is! If we snuggled you too much during your feeds, you would fall fast asleep. Through the guidance of your occupational therapist, we outsmarted you! No more snuggling mommy or daddy when it was feeding time! We placed you back in your bed and turned the lights on for you to eat. We would cheer you on with every milliliter you drank. If you exhausted yourself halfway through, your feeds would be completed through your feeding tube. Nana and papa came to visit last weekend and got to see you drink your bottles so well! The last time they saw you was when you were critically ill, on a ventilator and sedated with morphine so they didn’t get to touch you. Thier entire visit was minute to minute at that point and doctors constantly surrounding you. This time, they got to snuggle you for hours and were so in love with you. 🙂 They were amazed at how much you have grown and changed! Go Tenny Go!

We continued this for 6 incredible days, it seemed as if you were surpassing all expectations with your feeds. Dr. Lipski warned us that once we start milk again, that it would most likely be a “start and stop” process and not to be alarmed if we had setbacks due to your surgery…. but for 6 days straight there were no setbacks. Mommy and daddy would lay in bed at night and think “what if she never has a set back? what if she proves her doctors wrong and does so amazing and we never have to stop feeds again? but what if when we try to increase her feed, she doesn’t tolerate it? what if she’s here for months learning how to tolerate feeds?”… so many thoughts, so many questions, so many wonders, so many fears. You have thoroughly welcomed me to mommy hood baby girl. I have been warned about mommy stress and how that will last forever no matter how old you are but this everyday rollercoaster stress of the NICU is a stress I naively didn’t know existed.

Day 6 into feeding. I walk in to visit you alone today; daddy is back at work. I see you are receiving a blood transfusion again and have a few extra lines. These kinds of mornings are hard because it’s a kick in the stomach to leave you the night before happy as can be and arrive the next morning with obvious changes in your treatment. You seem a little more quiet than usual, but you are still tolerating your feeds so that’s good news! Dr. Fernandez has taught me that blood transfusions are used way more commonly in NICU babies than adult or pet patients so not to be too alarmed. When mommy recommends a blood transfusion to her doggie patients, they are critically sick. However, in tiny babies like you, the slightest sign of anemia (lower red blood cell count), warrants a transfusion because you aren’t strong enough to build up your own red blood cells in a timely manner. When you were critically sick, you received multiple transfusions to save your life, but I have been reassured after talking to Dr. Fernandez that this transfusion is different and it’s only to address your MILD anemia (nothing too scary at this point) and can be expected since you haven’t eaten much lately so we continue trucking along…

Day 7 came, and we walked in for our daily visit. Your nurse Carly was holding you in her arms while she changed your bed. “Has Dr. Lipski called to update you yet?”… my heart instantly sinks. Nurses don’t ask if we’ve spoken to the doctor unless there is new news………. “She will update you soon, but Tennessee had a lot of spit up a few minutes ago so we have stopped feeds” 😦 Our worst fear.

Within a few seconds, Dr. Lipski was at your bedside with us.”Tennessee threw up a large amount. This is her telling us she isn’t ready for feeds. I took an x-ray and its abnormal again, very distended. I have stopped feeds and replaced the feeding tube with her suction tube to help relieve the gas distension. We will repeat another x-ray this evening. Don’t get discouraged mom, it’ part of the journey. Remember before we started feeding, I told you it’s going to be a process, one that will likely start and stop multiple times until she is fully ready, don’t lose hope she’s telling us when we’ve pushed her too hard, remember Tenny (Dr. Lipski has started calling you by your nickname now too) is in charge, we just have to listen to her.”
………….. I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears start to swell but I remain strong in my response to her, “ok Dr. Lipski…… I trust you”

I can see it in the eyes of your nurses that were so excited for you to be eating again. I feel like your entire pod has waited for this time, just for it to be taken away again. My heart instantly hurts, the wind in my sails is ripped away. I call daddy crying because I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want setbacks, I don’t want you to be here anymore, I’m frustrated and angry and I just want to take you home- healthy 😦 However, today nana and tata are coming to visit so we need to stay positive. Daddy is also very bummed, but he reminds me you will get there, on your time not ours and we have to stay by your side no matter how hard it gets. I look down at you snuggling in my arms while daddy calms me, and I am reminded that I am your strength. During your hardest moments in the beginning, you never stopped fighting, and I promised you I wouldn’t either. Minor setbacks are disappointing but they are also of the norm in this environment so I try really hard not to let it ruin my perspective. No matter how exhausting this rollercoaster is, being your mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Nana and tata get to hold you for the first time today, it’s a big day! As you grow bigger, nana and tata will be two of your most favorite people on earth. They have always been and continue to be the best parents to mommy and I can’t wait to watch them shower you with so much love. Tata spent the day softly playing you country music on his phone and snuggling as you slept so peacefully in his arms. Nana held you and told you all kinds of stories and shared with you all the hopes and dreams she has for you. Tata even wrote you a poem! It’s obvious I get my love for writing from him, maybe you will love to write too.. 🙂

“On August 18th, 2024
Tennessee Grace couldn’t wait anymore.
She was born in the city of lights,
Giving us a terror in the middle of the night.
She was only 30 weeks,
All we want is to squeeze her little cheeks.
Doctors tell us she’s not strong enough now,
but with God’s help she’ll make it somehow.
Months go by with her mother’s care,
it hurts our hearts to see our mama bear.
A gift from heaven an angel he sent,
and soon we take home our perfect present.
She’ll grow big and she’ll grow strong,
in her daddy’s eyes she’ll do no wrong.
Nana and tata will keep up the pace,
because you father, are in her middle name, our little Tennessee GRACE. “

The most beautiful thing about this poem is right now tata is struggling with his vision. He is awaiting surgery on the 21st of this month to regain his eyesight in one of his eyes. To read, write, watch tv etc is difficult for him right now so the fact that he took time to write you these beautiful words means so much to me and daddy. It is simple reminders like this that remind us through this journey that regardless of how hard your first few months of life are, you have an entire life with a family that will surround you with love and adventure.

Regardless of how hard I think our journey is, this experience has also taught me, someone always has it worse and to count our blessings. There are plenty of adorable warriors that remind me of this every day. I enter the NICU and walk past the same babies to get to you. Like the adorable little boy with so many black curls! I usually can only see a few things from his crib- his chunky little thighs kicking away and the signs on his crib that say “DIFFICULT INTUBATION. DO NOT PLACE ORAL GASTRIC TUBES” AND “FRACTURED LIMBS, HANDLE WITH CARE” 😦 or the 17 year old mama who was introduced to this NICU life 2 days ago and has no idea how to be a mommy yet or the 15 year old mama who gave birth to her beautiful son with Downe syndrome 8 months ago and hasn’t been able to take her baby home due to a heart defect (she’s my neighbor at the Ronald McDonald home and she’s full of hope!)… and then there’s Isaac. 🙂 The little boy I have talked about in my previous letters to you. He is your roomie behind you, the one I pray for the most. His journey has been a long, hard one since May and he continues to fight to live more than most adults. All of these babies (and you of course) have taught me more about life and resiliency than I could ever imagine.

But enough about the hard parts of your story so far, let’s talk about something fun! In two weeks the NICU is having a “dress up” day! I am so excited! Most days are all business in this part of the world, spending every waking hour healing babies like you so when there’s a fun day, we take it and run! Daddy and I went to target and shopped in the baby doll section for a little costume. (You’re still too wittle for newborn outfits) We found an adorable cowgirl outfit so we are hoping it fits! But in true mommy fashion, I went on amazon to search for more 😀 We found an adorable surgeon costume and we think dressing you up as Dr. Pearson- the surgeon that saved your life is much more fitting. Plus, girls in surgery scrubs is just so cool hehe! We can’t wait to have fun with the nurses and take your first of many adorable photos for us to cherish forever.

So much to look forward to Tenny! Day by day, together we will get closer and closer to going home baby girl. For now, we dream of life in the future… Life is truly wild, I want time to speed up but I also want it to slow down. I want to be home but I also want you to stay this size forever… Regardless of what I want, I’ve learned God leads the way, which I’m thankful for, especially on hard days when I just need “Jesus to take the wheel”.

Here’s to praying we can start feeds again soon, mommy is working really hard to produce more milk for you and by working hard this includes my current position on the couch. 🙂 It’s 12:48am, I am pumping and scarfing Oreos while I write this letter to you… so if mommy falls asleep with you during nap time tomorrow, you’ll know why :)… I better end this note for now Tenny, my 4:00am alarm to pump again is just around the corner! Waking up to feed you at these crazy times of night will be so much more fun than my date with this darn pump! See you tomorrow peanut.

Love, mommy