Dear Tennessee Grace

It is September 14th. We have been living this new life with you for nearly a month. So much has changed in the last 27 days, for mommy and for you. Since your surgery on September 1st, you have amazed all doctors and nurses at your progress! You no longer have a breathing tube! You’re the only baby in your pod that doesn’t have breathing assistance at all, your strong lungs are breathing room air which is amazing after being the most critical in your pod two weeks ago. Today is also a big day for us! You have graduated to the premie diapers (a step up from micro-premie) and are now a wopping 3lbs 4oz! To me, you look so big but to the world you seem so tiny. Right now daddy is holding you and mommy gets to write these letters to you. They say when a mommy experiences “skin to skin” with her baby it enhances her hormones but my favorite thing is watching you and daddy snuggle. 🙂 Today you have a new fuzzy hat! Which means you’ve also grown out of your last one! These tiny milestones are huge and we celebrate them highly these days. You still haven’t been given oral feeds since surgery. It’s been 13 long days but I trust the doctors completely. In mommy’s world, I offer soft food to my abdominal patients 24 hours after surgery so waiting this many days to allow your gut to heal seems so long!! Dr. Lipski knows best so we continue to wait for the day we finally get to see how your gut will tolerate feeds. Our biggest prayer is that everything has healed beautifully and you get to enjoy mommy’s milk soon. For now, you are growing big and strong on IV nutrition so we take every baby step in the right direction as a HUGE SUCCESS.

Dr. Lipski reminded us this week that “neonatalogy” is a newer concept in medicine. Prior to this development of medicine, babies born at your stage in pregnancy didn’t survive. There was little to no research about all the conditions and illnesses that babies born early experience and how to treat them. Modern medicine is fascinating- I am constantly so impressed with the nurses and doctors and all the medical intervention they can do to save a precious life. At one point, you had an IV line in every limb. You were given multiple transfusions. You’ve had breathing tubes, feeding tubes and blood draws every 2 hours. Your tiny body was on morphine drips for 4 days and constantly sedated to keep you sedate during your most critical days. I have no idea how they learned to treat something so tiny but they did it and I’ll be forever in debt to doctors who developed the idea of “neonatology”, giving mommies and daddies like us hope. I knew from the moment I was laying in the emergency triage bed bleeding and the doctor said “we have to deliver this baby now”, that this road would be unique. I remember bawling in sheer fear thinking “is she big enough to survive?” Yes you were Tennessee! You were not only big enough but you were strong enough! With your amazing doctors and your amazing will to fight, we are 34 weeks along, almost a month old and making mommy proud every single day!

The environment around here has also changed and evolved. We are no longer strangers in the NICU ward. We come every single day to see you and be thoroughly involved in your care and treatment. We know the staff by name and they know ours. They greet us in the mornings and they send us away every evening with a “see you tomorrow!” We have become family here. So much so that we have been asked to be on the Sunrise NICU board. Starting next March, daddy and I will start our 1yr term as parent representatives on the board with medical directors, nurses, doctors and hospital representatives to share our perspective as parents in order to constantly improve this department. We are thrilled to be chosen to be a voice for other parents in our shoes. We have learned so much in the last month and we continue to learn everyday- anything we need to do for you, we will do forever.

The scenery is quite different in here also. When mommy arrived she could barely walk from a fresh incision, her hair wasn’t brushed, she was in pain and wearing a hospital gown with fuzzy socks arriving by wheelchair pushed by daddy. The same goes for other mommies in the ward. I would look around and the emotions that I was battling were written on the faces of fellow moms too. We were exhausted- emotionally and physically. We were in pain- emotionally and physically. It was a ward of babies trying to survive their first days and mamas trying to survive also. But as the days have past, we’ve become stronger- all of us, mommies and our precious children. We transitioned from hospital gowns to comfy cute pajamas to normal clothes. We have transitioned from unbrushed hair to cute buns and makeup again. As mommies we have started to feel a sense of normal again (for ourselves). Our babies are growing, the NICU staff feels like a new family and life is as good as its going to get in here. We are thankful for the good days but we have also learned how fast things can change so we thank God for the good days and pray for more constantly.

Our Ronald McDonald house has also become family. Prior to your arrival, I never understood this organization. My uneducated opinion was completely incorrect. This organization is phenomenal. They help ALL families, not just those you may “think” need help. This home is available to any families who have a child hospitalized more than 50 miles from their residence. The home itself is a giant mansion with multiple hotel- like rooms. Every evening a different organization or family comes in and cooks a beautiful meal for guests. I am always so inspired by these amazing people. They greet us with so much love and comfort at the end of long days. I can’t wait to be on their side of this journey. Daddy and I talk about how we want you to always know and love this organization, we want you to know the beauty of “giving back”. One day when you’re bigger, we will bring you and your sisters back to this home. Thank goodness daddy can cook! We will cook a beautiful meal for the families and share our love to those going through the same experience we are now.

At this point in our journey we are just thankful. Thankful to our families who have given us so much support. Thankful to our friends for checking on us and you. Thankful to our amazing work families who have gone above and beyond to allow us to not stress about work while here with you. Daddy’s work buddies check on you often, almost daily. They have reminded us of what true brotherhood is. As policemen, they spend their days being brave and strong and protecting their communities in the most dangerous situations. It makes my mama heart happy to know in the midst of their busy days, they find time to check on daddy and you. They constantly want to know how much you weigh now, are you able to eat yet and most importantly- when you will be able to come home. 🙂 Mama’s work family has been just as amazing. Dr. Gordon and Dr. Hairr have been the biggest blessing to me. After working solo in the clinic for months, to have fellow doctors as amazing as they are is beyond what I could have ever asked for. They check on you often and they continue to remind me that “everything is good here, focus on baby girl!” This all has taught us, when life hands you a curved ball- make sure your team mates are ready to play… both of our work families have hit a home run with this one. We will never be able to thank them enough. We can’t wait for all of them to meet you soon.

As far as our house that is currently being built… it is not done. 😦 We haven’t talked much about this but in order to get the full picture of our chaotic lives right now, we have to talk about it- we are basically homeless. Our home was supposed to be done in May. There has been multiple delays. Your big sisters live with Uncle Ryan and Aunt Dawn while were here with you and are adjusting to the new lifestyle in Kingman. Daddy and I often laugh at how much of our lives has changed and we are in full circus mode right now. Our doggies- Skip and Ruger- who will be your first best friends I’m sure, live with nana and tata right now and all of our belongings and furniture remain in a storage in Parker. As chaotic as this all sounds, we are content knowing we have you to complete our little family and soon we will be home all together again.

For now, I’ll continue to stare at you and daddy snuggling in the chair next to me, wondering where the last 27 days went and praying the next 27 are full of more milestones, growth and a plan to escape the walls of this NICU…

Love, mommy