Dear Tennessee Grace

August 18th 7pm-It has been 12 hours since I gave birth to you and our world as we knew will be forever changed and no matter what lies ahead, the change will be the biggest blessing. This ,we will have to remind ourselves multiple times because life is going to get real different and real hard soon. Mommy is in a lot of pain, the morphine drip barely keeps me comfortable. Micro doses every 10 minutes is nearly useless unfortunately but I need to get my body moving so I can come see you! Daddy has met you but I have yet to. I force my body to get up, my mind goes to another calm place, not to focus on the pain from surgery hours ago. I need to meet you so bad, that desire over rides the pain right now. Daddy has been so amazing the last few hours, helping me through the pain and inability to do anything for myself.

I get up and force myself into the wheelchair with daddy’s help. I have no makeup on, my hair is a wild mess and my hospital gown is zero fashionable. I have been completely humbled today. haha

My excitement to finally meet you is jumping out of my bones. Daddy wheels me to the elevator and to the NICU floor, he teaches me the protocol of washing hands and sanitizing prior to entering and already seems like a pro to all this. We enter the NICU, I am in aww at how many tiny babies are in this unit, over the next few days we will learn- approx 60!

We slowly approach your bed. I seen a tiny medical bassinet with a small breathing machine and multiple IV lines- mostly vitamins and minerals to help you grow. I see a nurse who welcomes me with open arms as she knows I am a new mommy arriving to meet my angel. The gentleness in her voice is so sweet, she knows this moment is a big one. I finally see your tiny toes and fingers!!! MY BABYYYYYY!!! 2lb 10z 14in long miracle!! You are beautiful and so perfect. I start to sob. I can’t believe you are mine and I can’t believe we survived such a crazy day. You have already amazed me beyond belief in your first 12 hours of life. You have been placed with strangers on a completely different floor than mommy. You are alone away from us and that breaks my heart. I know you are in good hands, one of the best NICU’s in Nevada but 12 hours ago we were one, now we are so far away it seems. 😦 The sadness of the situation starts to set in and I sob more.

The first moments of mom guilt start to set in. I feel like I haven’t heard much about this with my mom friends so its all new to me. I know my hormones are all over the place so I have to give myself some grace but I’m instantly feeling so guilty. My body failed you. You weren’t ready for this big ol’ world and mommy’s uterus kicked you out. The anger feelings start to roll in. It doesn’t feel like post partum depression, it feels like pure anger. Why did my body give up on you? Physically you weren’t ready for this world and emotionally I wasn’t ready to share you. I know 30 weeks is early, I know there will be hills to climb but I start to pray that the hills will be small and conquerable. I spend as much time with you as physically possible but mommy’s pain is starting to be intolerable again, staff encourage rest so with reluctancy, we head back up stairs to rest and allow you to rest also. We’ve had a big day baby girl! You did it! Welcome to the world! You are already my everything and although we are separated now, I hope you feel my love. I already miss your little kicks and flutters in my tummy and I miss you sooo sooo much. They don’t talk about the mourning process of not being pregnant anymore. For mommy, I will never get to experience that again and it was the most beautiful thing. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you in my tummy yet, the pain of that is so hard to swallow but there’s minimal time to mourn anything right now. You need me and you need my milk. Emotional stress can reduce milk production so there’s no time for mourning. Time for mommy to toughen up!

The next few days for mommy is HARD. The pain of c-section is at times excruciating, my iron is low and I feel weak, I am awakened multiple times a night for blood pressure checks and pain meds. I am exhausted and I have started to learn how to pump to bring you nutrition- colostrum, the golden milk. I am unable to do anything on my own and for mommy’s independent vibes- this is a struggle! Daddy has to help me out of bed, help me on the toilet, help me change my post partum diaper (again very humbling!), help me shower and wash my hair and body, help me walk the halls at night, help me eat- everything. I am completely helpless while also trying to be your main caretaker and produce milk! Talk about overwhelming but you are so worth it!

To add to the chaos, we are not together- me and you are so separate. The natural bonding of scents and touch are absent. I haven’t been able to hold you or do skin to skin and you haven’t smelled your mommy. These are very important for soothing you and very important for me to produce milk. I guess we have to do this on our own baby girl. The next day the social worker brought mommy two adorable cloth hearts! These are amazing because I wear the cloth one day and then I bring it to you so you can smell me. Daddy has one too for you! After you’ve had our hearts all day, we switch. The next day I get to wear your scent all day and that helps me produce milk! It’s second best to true skin to skin but we will take anything we can get at this point!

August 20-Next up is lactation consultation! A nurse visits mommy to teach her how to pump and nurse. It is way harder than I thought. My body was still in pregnancy mode 24 hours ago and it was forced into post partum milk producing mode which it has not successfully done yet. The first session I got 2 drops. TWO DROPS! 😦 again the feeling of guilt and anger start to creep in. I’ve already failed you once, now my body will fail at providing you with the most important nutrients. With every pumping session, minimal drops are expressed. By night 3, mommy had her first break down.

August 21 1:30am- I am in excruciating pain still, the pain meds barely take the edge off. I am exhausted, I miss you terribly and I hate that you are all alone down stairs with strangers. This is not how I imagined our first days. I’m battling the emotions and the physical pains. I’m pumping but pure exhaustion hits like a ton of bricks and I can no longer carry the burden- the tears start to come and boy did they come, it hurts like hell to cry and sob with a giant belly incision but the full blown meltdown has arrived and we will have to endure the physical pain of sobbing to allow the emotional pain to feel some relief! You are being so brave down stairs, mommy is not. Daddy wakes up to comfort me and remind me that my body is amazing and I need to remember how much it has been through and that I need to be patient. he reminds me we never thought we’d be able to create such a precious baby- never. Here we are with you and although you’re small, you are mighty and will grow big and strong! My body is not a failure, it kept you safe as long as it could and we need to be thankful for that. Daddy is right. Its all about perspective and I am overwhelmingly blessed to still be here and for you to be here too. I need to count my blessings and give my body some grace.

Other women are able to have babies so easily and I am so envious. But my body has always been different so I can’t yearn for normalcy, that’s not the journey I was handed. Mommy is unique and daddy reminded me of that. We have so many things to be thankful for- you especially right now. I can’t wait to see you when I wake up again.

The next few days are filled with trips up and down the elevator to come see you and touch you. Day 3 I got to change your diaper and take your temperature! Small tiny duties that make me feel useful as your mommy. I enjoy helping the nurses with your care and holding your tiny fingers. I wonder if you know its me and daddy there with you but my heart tells me yes you know and I love that. Your gentle skin is so soft and your tiny nose is just like mommy’s 🙂 You opened your eyes for the first time and are so alert and looking around, its still too soon to see the color of your eyes, I’m anxious- did you get daddy’s gorgeous blue eyes or mommy’s poopy brown eyes, either way you will be gorgeous to me forever!! You’re probably wondering where you are! It is so bright out here compared to mommy’s warm dark womb. You are transitioning well, tolerating the lowest oxygen setting and soon they will start to feed you. Right now you are on surrogate milk to give mommy time to produce enough for you. You are doing amazing baby girl!

Tomorrow Mommy gets discharged so the distance she already feels from you will grow further. I am struggling with having to leave you. I hate this so much. Everyday comes with its own struggles and triumphs as long as mommy can focus on the positive, she will survive this time in her life. Daddy is pretty good at seeing my eyes swell up during my tough moments and he’s always there with a snuggle. He is my safe place so with him, all things seem possible. Tomorrow we move into the Ronald Mcdonald home, there we will live until we take you home to our beautiful house where you’ll finally get to meet your sisters!!! Mia and Lilly are dying to see you, they have so much love waiting for you. Doctors say you will be here for about 10 weeks, our new life has begun…

See you tomorrow baby girl, I love you so so much and I’m so proud of you!
Love mommy