Dear Tennessee Grace

I always thought it was odd when people would share their “birth stories”. Celebrities and influencers often do this and it just seemed weird… that was until I became a mommy in the most wild way and now I want to remember every detail because although it was scary, the most terrifying moments of my life actually, it was the moments you entered the world a fighter and I will remind you of that warrior mentality any time you doubt yourself throughout your life, probably to the point where you’ll roll your eyes at me and tell me to “stop telling me I’m a warrior mommy! its annoying!” too bad, mommies are supposed to be annoying, especially when you’re a teenager! YIKES!

The last few months have been blissful, my tummy is getting big and I’ve had moments in my life previously where I wondered what I’d look like pregnant. Would my toes be swollen? Would I get kankles? YIKES! Would I get gestational diabetes like titi did with Tanner? Will I have to be on bedrest early or will I be able to work through the pregnancy? Will I go full term with you or will you come early? How will I look in maternity clothes, hopefully cute! hehe

Everything is going well. Titi mentioned she wanted to go to Las Vegas for her birthday! Titi loves Las Vegas, you will learn she’s the “lucky one” in the family, always winning at her video poker games! haha She also mentioned wanting to go see Carrie Underwood! Sounds like a great girls weekend! Grammie and nana also are joining! Mommy knows to take it easy because although doctors have approved my travel and said I can do everything other pregnant women do, I’m still very careful and hesitant with you. I don’t walk a lot or tire myself out. If I feel any fatigue or aches I rest. I listen to every time movement or sign you give me.

We arrive in Las Vegas and have a good lunch, at Blake Shelton’s ole reds restaurant and bar! This is perfect, its a sister bar from the one in Nashville so I feel right at home. My heart is happy to be listening to a country band while enjoying a yummy mocktail! After lunch me and nana go nap and rest. I even take a warm bath to relax! It was magical! We do dinner and go to bed. The next morning we enjoy a spa morning. Mommy gets a “mommy to be massage”, getting pampered was amazing, very light massage with no pressure. No pain or cramping and I felt rejuvenated after! We did lunch and then it was time for mommy and nana to nap again! Mommy’s Las Vegas experience is sure different having you on board! haha I don’t remember ever napping in Vegas before haha!

Titi and Grammie came back to the room to wake us up! You haven’t met Grammie yet but you will love her. She is Tanner, Taelynn and Ty’s Grammie but soon you will be calling her that too I’m sure. 🙂 It was time for dinner and Carrie Underwood show! To be honest, I would have never bought a ticket to her show. I like her, she’s gorgeous and her voice is amazing but she’s not rough and tough. She’s more girlie. You will learn mommy is more of a guy country music singer fan. If its a woman, they have to be rough and rugged- like Lainey Wilson and Miranda Lambert. But its titi’s birthday so she gets to chose and I’ll never say no to a concert, its one of my favorite things to do- I cant wait to take you to your first one when your big and strong! Bell bottoms, bows and a vintage concert tee! I already have our matching outfits planned 🙂

We enjoy dinner and head to the concert! I was actually pretty entertained! I loved all her outfit changes and her voice live is even more amazing than on TV. I had forgotten all her great songs from her first album so many years ago. The songs that tell a story or make you feel good (must be the pregnancy hormones!). I cried when she sang “American girl” because it is as if she is singing your story already. A song about a daddy who really wants a boy- “someone he can take fishing, throw the football and be his pride and joy- but when the nurse came in with a little pink blanket all those big dreams changed- now he’s wrapped around her finger, she’s the center of his whole world”. I thought about you and daddy and cant wait to watch him love you like he does your sisters and I. I can’t wait to watch him help you catch your first fish or watch you boss him around in the garage when he’s trying to fix something hehe.

The concert ends and nana and mommy- you guessed it, go back to the room to rest again. It was an early night for us. Mommy was ready for bed.

1am- your typical time to wake mommy up by kicking at my bladder to tell me its time to pee. I stumble to the bathroom, pee and go back to bed, always checking for bleeding of course. 30 weeks of checking every single time I pee because again high risk pregnancy is weeks of panic and worry. Everything was normal, back to sleep I go.

5:30am I wake up from a dead sleep. I feel wet. My first instinct is “DID MY WATER BREAK or DID I PEE THE BED?!” I reach down to feel my shorts and they are soaked! I jump out of bed (as quickly as I can with my big belly) and go check to see if I peed. I turn the lights on and all I see is BLOOD…. BLOOD EVERYWHERE… my shorts and underwear are soaked. The mommy in me starts to panic but the doctor in me tells me that panicking increases heart rate and blood pressure which leads to more bleeding. My doctor brain takes over and I’m instantly so calm and its as if I have a patient bleeding and not actually bleeding myself. I’m talking to myself about what I should do. I rush over to titi’s bed and wake her up. “Dawn, wake up, I am bleeding and we need to go to the hospital, like now, we cant wait.”. Grammie wakes up and Dawn flies out of bed. As I’m standing there telling her we need to go, I feel the blood running down both my legs. Its dark in their room but I know the warmth on my skin and I know its more blood. I didn’t have to look down to tell. I have hemorrhaged before (in high school) and I know the feeling, I remember the fear and panic from all those years ago and I know I have a small window of time to get to the hospital. We wake up nana who wants to call 911. I know there’s not enough time for 911. We need a car and we need one NOW.

I tell Dawn to go down stairs and get her car out of valet. I tell nana “grab me a small hotel towel, one I can fit in my shorts and I’m going to apply pressure while we get to the car. We all need to stay calm but hurry”. Nana wipes the blood off my legs and I start to apply pressure. My only concern at this point is not passing out because Las Vegas hotels are big and walks to the car can be long. But again, I know if I pass out, we will HAVE to wait for 911 and I know my body doesn’t have that kind of time. I take my mind somewhere calm and quiet. I am confident I can make the walk. Nana is holding my arm while trying to call Tata and daddy at the same time. Daddy is back home working night shift. His shift is almost over after working 12 hours and he’s 3 hours away. Nana gets daddy on the phone and I can sense the panic in her voice when telling Steve something is very wrong so I grab the phone from her. I calmly tell daddy “Hey babe, yes I am bleeding a lot and yes you need to come. I’m not sure why I’m bleeding but its enough to be concerned about but I’m going to be okay”. I don’t know if I’m actually going to be okay but I needed daddy to think I was because he was going to drive 3hrs in shear panic and I needed him to be safe. We hang up, he rushes to nana and tata’s to wake up tata and they hit the road.

Meanwhile I get checked into Sunrise medical trauma center. Titi drove like a nascar driver to the hospital which was 4 mins away from our hotel, which we will learn later that this saved our lives.

They rush me to the OBGYN unit, which thank goodness they did by wheelchair because mommy is starting to get a little weak. My hands and fingers are numb from holding this hotel towel between my legs for the last 10-15 mins. I’m holding it with every ounce of strength I have hoping that the pressure will cause a clot and slow bleeding.

Sunrise OBGYN unit is phenomenal. They immediately get two IVs in me. I always dread IV catheters, they hurt and nurses always have to poke me multiple times. This morning was different. The pain from the IV was nothing compared to my fear that I was losing too much blood and it seemed like once they had access to my veins, they’d be able to replenish the loss. For the first time in my life, I freely gave them my arms for the IVs. As usual, it took a few tries but I didn’t care, I felt like I was minutes away from a doctor coming and that eased my mind, enough to keep me calm. It was then that I remembered you. Hemorhagging has always been my biggest fear. If you had asked me earlier in life what my biggest fear was, I would always answer “child birth, because I have this weird fear of bleeding out”. I had just recently told titi this. Your auntie Britni also knows this as I talk about it often. I think people always thought I was odd because “bleeding out during child birth” is very rare so the fact that it was so vivid and such a specific fear of mine is probably odd… until your 30 wks pregnant and hemorrhaging while on a girls trip to vegas and now my worst nightmare is REALITY. I am laying in a hopsital bed, very tiny movements and I feel more blood exiting my body. I am internally panicking for myself until I have a moment of “OH MY GOD how is my baby girl??” Now I’m really panicking, I start to pray silently. I say the same thing over and over 57 times, its a good thing God doesn’t mind repetitive prayers or prayers that probably don’t make any sense. “Please Jehovah God watch over my baby girl. Please keep me calm to protect her, please please please tell me I’m not losing her, please bless these nurses and doctors with the knowledge to figure out where I’m bleeding from and protect her with all your power. I am okay to go but I need her to stay here on earth if that’s what’s happening. I trust you, I always trust you, please protect us God. I beg you”. I say this over and over. Moments later they place the monitor on my belly. I have started to feel cramps finally on the way to the hospital. Being a first time mommy I often wondered if I “would know” what contractions feel like. and I can honestly say no. Even when I was contracting, it just felt like cramping. Granted, I only felt these contractions for less than an hour prior to delivering so I never felt the pain intensify to the point of true labor pains. But they placed the monitor on my belly and your heartbeat was PERFECT. Baby was stable and doing great. My begs and pleas turned into so many “Thank you God for protecting her and keeping her safe! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD!!!”

Shortly after an ultrasound was performed to see if they could figure out the source of bleeding, as the ultrasound tech was leaving the room the attending doctor and resident enter. Their plan is to do a speculum exam. Again, never fun… but when you’re bleeding and this is an attempt to find out why, I opened my legs freely for the exam. and felt a gush… The resident slid the tip of the speculum in and the attending called it. We were done. We were done trying to figure out where and why I was bleeding. Bottom line is there is a 30wk pregnant high risk woman who is having contractions and bleeding and bleeding- ALOT. At this point, it doesn’t matter why I’m bleeding or from where. My life and your life are top priority. My body is no longer the safest place for you to be and mommy can’t lose any more blood. “we are done here, we are sectioning this baby- call trauma, call NICU, call anesthesia, call surgery team, call residents”. I instantly start to cry because I know 30 weeks is early and daddy isn’t here. Daddy is my comfort and he will be heartbroken to miss your birth. He is on his way but there’s no way we have enough time to wait for him.

At this point, daddy has no clue. All him and tata know is I’m bleeding and they are flying to get here. Someone calls him. I don’t know who. They tell him I am going to surgery and were having you today, right now! I cant even imagine daddy’s emotions at this point or tatas. They know something has gone wrong and now both of our lives are in Jeopardy.

The anesthesiologist shows up and within 15 mins or less, this medical center has organized a full c section team. I was instantly wheeled to the OR. I didn’t have any time to process what was happening, I just prayed you had enough strength to come out crying and mommy would worry about healing herself after that. But reality is, neither mommy or daddy got to hear your first cries. 😦 Because I was actively bleeding, I was unable to have an epidural. I was placed under general anesthesia. Which for mommy’s doctor brain is fascinating again! I never even knew pregnant women could go under general anesthesia for fears of risking baby’s life but I guess mommy does it at work with doggies so maybe its okay? It must be if the anesthesiologist says it is! The anesthesiologist talked me through the entire process. There were lots of bright lights and so many nurses, doctors, surgeons, NICU team members and residents all rushing around the OR. All calling out their jobs- I remember vividly one nurse counting out loud the number of gauzes and another nurse announcing my name and patient info and why I was in there. I felt them scrubbing my belly and draping me in. At this point I didn’t have any drugs on board but my body and mind were in shock so things appear so vivid while also so cloudy. “Rayeann Solano (daddy will never let me live this down, I have been meaning to change my name legally to Maya but keep forgetting. crap, now you’re here! you came early and now mommy is in big trouble! yikes! lol) , 37 year old female 30wk pregnancy, presents for vaginal hemorrhage, suspect placental abruption, emergency c- section. NICU ready?- ready. Criticalist ready?- ready, anesthesia ready?- ready, surgeon ready?- scrubbing now, residents ready?- ready. Patient please state your name and date of birth for me please, I respond Rayeann Solano, 4/21/87″ All teams ready for cutting” The anesthesiologist explains to me that he has to wait for the very last second, when the surgeon has the scapel in her hands before he gives me the anesthesia because we don’t want baby to get any of the drugs, it can slow down respiratory and heart rate for her. He knows I’m panicked. He knows I’m terrified. I sobbed as they wheeled me away from my sister in the exam room because I was so scared, everything is happening so fast. But one thing I do remember was how adorable nana looked in her scrubs and cap! She remained calm and was ready to meet you! They didn’t let her enter the OR until you were born to take pictures but she did say she saw the doctor’s hands wayyyy in my belly grabbing you and pulling you out! She had never seen that before and was amazeddd!! YIKES! no wonder I was so sore afterward!

I will never forget the anesthesiologist’s gentle hands on my face, he was an older man gentleman whos been an anesthesiologist for over 30 years. He had a “grandpa” way about him that was so calm. To him, it was just another Sunday morning, to me I was living my most terrifying moments of my life. He gently came over my head with his hands on my cheeks from behind… “I know you are scared, there is a lot going on right now, every single person in this OR has a job to do and that job is going to make sure you and your baby girl leave this OR stable and healthy. There is a lot of shouting and movement, this is normal and they want to make sure everyone hears that they are ready to perform their duty. Ignore the noise and focus on my voice and my voice only. I have done this for many years and I can assure you we will do whatever we need to make sure you are okay. You have a great surgeon and I am here with you” I was alone- no family or husband with me like other routine c-sections. The only one with me was you baby girl and together we were going to conquer this hurdle together. You may not hear my voice and I may not hear your cry but I hope you feel my presence when you enter this world. I am not ready for you to be outside of me yet, having you so close was such a beautiful feeling but we will talk about that mourning process later- right now the surgeon is ready to cut so mommy is going to sleep…

“I’m going to start giving you the meds Rayeann, you’re going to feel a nurse place pressure on your thoracic inlet, this is going to help prepare your throat for the tube, relax and breathe…”

The next thing I know I am slowly waking up in a different room, daddy’s hand is holding mine. He is the first thing I see when I wake up. My heart is ecstatic that daddy made it safe but instantly I feel excruciating pain. Remember I didn’t get that amazing epidural that other mommies talk about. So when I woke up, I felt it all!! OUCH baby girl!!!!! But once I could formulate words I looked at daddy and said “How’s the baby?!”. and daddy said “she’s so tiny but she’s beautiful and she’s okay, she’s in the NICU in good hands but I’m not leaving your side”. Tata, titi, nana and grammie are all waiting in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for me to wake up and be okay and same for you. You are already sooooo loved and so am I. We are two very lucky girls 🙂

You would think at this point, we have survived the worst part… but we havent. FUNDAL MASSAGE is the WORST PART BY FAR!!! Imagine having no pain meds on board, youve just had major surgery that involves cutting through FOUR layers of muscle and SEVEN layers of tissue, after hemorrhage, your body is weak and recovering from shock and the post op fundal massage time has come. This is where a nurse comes in and presses on your abdomen very firmly, nearly with all their strength to check for bleeding. If there is any bleeding in the uterus, this pressure will allow the blood to exit and tell the doctor there is still an active bleed. Problem is, I have not recieved any post op pain meds and this has to be performed every 15 mins for the first 2 hours after surgery. I screamed out loud in pain. I squeezed daddy’s hand so hard every time the nurse came. After about the 5th time of me squealing in excruciating pain, I received pain meds. This helped but certainly didn’t take all the pain away. Now that I’m awake, tata and nana can come in and see me. They are so relieved that I am okay, after all, I’m still their baby girl, just like you will be when you’re 37 years old 🙂 Titi and grammie came in to see me too, they’ve had a very eventful morning also. Grammie was amazing and cleaned up the hotel during the whirlwind of events. She had to call housekeeping and let them know there wasn’t a murder in the room, just an ol pregnant gal that decided to go into labor! (its kind of funny now that we’ve made it through the scary part!)

For the next 3 days the worst words I heard from nurses was “I’m going to check for bleeding now”. I dreaded this part because 1) it hurt really bad, worse than anything else and 2)I was terrified that I would hemorrhage post op. It is truly ironic how terrified I am of this because after all, I am a doctor. If one of the patients at my clinic are hemorrhaging, they call me. I actually really enjoy finding the bleed in an intense situation. I love being in surgery and having “exciting” moments of adrenaline and fixing big bleeds. On my self however, its a fear I don’t think will ever fade. On the bright side, you are my only baby. Mommy has had enough signs at this point to tell me, my body is just not a good oven and that’s ok. As long as I have you, my heart is full. So the fear of bleeding out while birthing a child is a fear I can let go of. We survived together baby girl!!

Why was I bleeding though? Well, my placenta detached from my uterus. Its called placental abruption. It can happen gradually or partially or it can happen rapidly. There was no signs, no spotting no cramping. I was in a dead sleep when it happened. Something woke me up to tell me I was bleeding but I have no clue what, maybe it was you? The surgeon said when she entered my uterus, my placenta was hanging on by a thread. This means we were minutes from you losing oxygen and minutes from mommy’s bleeding intensifying. Daddy told the surgeon where we live and how rural Parker is. Had this happened back home, it would have been a 45 min drive to the hospital and a flight to the nearest NICU, would we have been okay he asked. Dr. Todd truly feels like being this close to Sunrise medical center saved both our lives. She’s not sure how much longer you would have remained stable with your life line (the placenta) being so detached from mommy and she’s not sure how quickly mommy’s blood loss would have reached a point of meeting life or death. All she could say was “Being in Vegas for that concert was a blessing from above and getting here as fast as you did allowed us to save you and baby”

So the silly part or light hearted part of this birth story is your name. Daddy and I have gone back and forth with lots of names but we wanted you to have a southern country name. If we could pick a favorite place on earth, it would be Tennessee. Nashville to exact but the rolling green scenery, southern hospitality, country music and southern vibes satisfy our old soul hearts like no other. One day we thought of “Tennessee Grace” and daddy never liked any other names that mommy tried to convince him of. To him, you were always going to be Tennessee Grace, regardless of what we actually named you. However, now that you are born, there is no more time to think! The fact that you were born unexpectedly after a country concert that saved our both lives, there was no doubt you had to be named after music city itself. Tennessee Grace it is, let the nicknames begin! 🙂

Now we wait… wait for mommy and you to be stable enough so we can meet each other for the first time, a moment I never thought I’d ever experience, being your mommy. I am hours away from meeting you and regardless of the pain, I can hardly stand the wait…

Thank You Carrie Underwood for saving our lives, the life of a NICU mama and daddy begins today.